Touching His Presence

February 10, 2014
I had began searching harder, trusting more, learning what faith meant. Today was one of those days of willingness to find God. I knew He was there and I could always find Him. But I needed more. I just needed a closer time with Him.

I was praising Him and dancing in joy (yes, sometimes I dance, or try to) when I realized and saw a movement that He was dancing with me. It was like a dove as I saw the movement of light that followed it. It was so real I knew that I could touch it. It was in the room. So excited and loved by His encounter I fell to my knees, sobbing in repentance for not honoring Him and recognizing the greatness of His position. How flippant I had been. How humbled I was to recognize a little more how much God He was. And then I felt a hunger like never before. It was coming from my heart. I looked to see if it was a physical hunger, but it wasn't. It was a deep crying thirst and I wanted, needed more. It was a deep thirsting pain of needing more. That what I had was not going to make it go away.

I lay back for a while as I rested and thought it just wasn't going to happen. Listening to the music and then reading I got up to praise Him more when my heart broke. It really broke. Thinking of my brother, I know it seems odd but I was jealous that God took him and He didn't choose me. Not that I wanted to die or that I wanted my brother to die, but just that my brother must have been special for God to take him home. And that is when my heart broke.

I wanted God to want ME!! I wanted Him to WANT me!! How long had that been there? I had been searching for God since I was young, trying to find Him in all the places I could. All those nights, pleading for God to take away the desperate pain inside, hoping for another day to survive. He would show me His word. That He loved me. That kept me going .

God showed me that all those times I wanted Him, it was really Him wanting me, reaching out to me. He was drawing me to His love and healing. Oh that I would get away from me and see Him.

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