Friday, April 11, 2014

Touching His Presence

February 10, 2014
I had began searching harder, trusting more, learning what faith meant. Today was one of those days of willingness to find God. I knew He was there and I could always find Him. But I needed more. I just needed a closer time with Him.

I was praising Him and dancing in joy (yes, sometimes I dance, or try to) when I realized and saw a movement that He was dancing with me. It was like a dove as I saw the movement of light that followed it. It was so real I knew that I could touch it. It was in the room. So excited and loved by His encounter I fell to my knees, sobbing in repentance for not honoring Him and recognizing the greatness of His position. How flippant I had been. How humbled I was to recognize a little more how much God He was. And then I felt a hunger like never before. It was coming from my heart. I looked to see if it was a physical hunger, but it wasn't. It was a deep crying thirst and I wanted, needed more. It was a deep thirsting pain of needing more. That what I had was not going to make it go away.

I lay back for a while as I rested and thought it just wasn't going to happen. Listening to the music and then reading I got up to praise Him more when my heart broke. It really broke. Thinking of my brother, I know it seems odd but I was jealous that God took him and He didn't choose me. Not that I wanted to die or that I wanted my brother to die, but just that my brother must have been special for God to take him home. And that is when my heart broke.

I wanted God to want ME!! I wanted Him to WANT me!! How long had that been there? I had been searching for God since I was young, trying to find Him in all the places I could. All those nights, pleading for God to take away the desperate pain inside, hoping for another day to survive. He would show me His word. That He loved me. That kept me going .

God showed me that all those times I wanted Him, it was really Him wanting me, reaching out to me. He was drawing me to His love and healing. Oh that I would get away from me and see Him.

Friday, February 21, 2014

When we are weak He is Strong

Friday, February 14, 2003 6am
I woke up feeling like the little one, wanting her daddy. She felt so little, so alone in the corner. She was crying to be held. My adult mind couldn’t figure out how to meet this need. It was such a strong physical need and it didn’t make sense how God could meet that need. But finally I cried out to the heavenly Father because I knew He knew. I felt Him prompting me to let her go sit in the corner and He would come to her. So I did and while in the corner this is what I saw (I think it was a vision but I have never had one like this before) It was liked Jesus picked up the little girl and stepped into the vision:

I looked and I saw tall office buildings in the background being blown up. I asked Jesus what it was and He said this happened once before.” I asked what happened before? He said, What you have gone through.” I thought He was taking me back to show me, so I was looking to understand. Right in front of me were two men fighting. It looked like He had taken me back to the middle of a war zone. I kept asking who they were. Is that an angel, is it a man, who are they and what happened once before? I remember thinking “is this WWI or WWII.” And it came to me that this was WWI. I was looking at the two men trying to see if I could see who they were. As I continued to look at the two men, I saw that one had an army uniform on and all of his gear. He was fighting with someone else. I remember thinking, did someone in the war at that time go through the same thing I am going through now?

Jesus then came over and picked me up. He began to carry me past the two men and I saw that the army man was fighting with a demon because there was no light shining from him. As Jesus continued to carry me, we passed through a narrow passageway with the wounded sitting up against the walls. There was a lot of smoke and dust from the fighting and explosions. I asked Jesus where He was taking me and He said, to the front.I asked him (I kept asking a lot of questions) why He was taking me to the front. He said because I was wounded. I didn’t understand and asked again why would He take me to the front if I was wounded. Shouldn’t those who are really strong and fighting be in the front? He said, “no it is because of your wounds that you are in the front. When you become weak, I become strong.”

When we got to the front of the war He sat me down and began to walk away. I became afraid and asked why He was leaving. I didn’t want Him to leave. “Why would you bring me to the front of the battle and leave me? I want you here to feel your presence.” And He said,There is a difference between feeling my presence and having my presence in you. If you feel my presence around you than when it is gone you will feel alone, but if I am in you than my presence is mighty.” Jesus in me was stronger and more powerful than feeling Jesus presence around me. (I remember thinking of feeling His presence in the church service and thinking that He must be wanting to do more than just have us feel His presence, which comes and goes.) As Jesus was leaving I begin to understand that He was in me. I was to abide in Him. He wasn’t leaving me, for I was in Him. A child needs to feel His presence, but when no longer a child than I and Him are one. I then was able to see that He needed to go get more wounded to bring to the front. I also began to understand what He meant by this happening before. WWI was the first war that He had fought. He had taken me back to the war He had fought. It had happened before because He had already gone through it. He was the warrior, we were the wounded.

After the vision He encouraged me to rest, but I was anxious to write about it. I asked Him why I was having a hard time resting in His peace, and He said that when anyone experiences God the natural feeling is to get excited and want to share it.  

God's Presence and the Fiery Tongue

After much time in prayer, I experienced what I felt was a drunkenness in the Spirit. It was like a heaviness that made it hard to hold my head up and a loss of inhibitions, although my mind was quite clear. I picked up a long pole that my son had left in the living room. I held onto it so that I would not fall as I walked around the room. After much pleading for assurance that God would give me the courage or whatever I needed to do His will, I heard my spirit, who was standing next to me on my left, say to Him “Yes, Lord” three times. Although I did not hear what God said, I knew that He had assured us. I knew then that I could relax in Him. I fell to the floor.

As I lay on the floor I felt that my tongue had been cut out. As I lay dazed and drunk, I saw a fiery tongue flash across the dark room. In a silly drunken daze I commented to God that He missed me. But then I saw my spirit, who was sitting to the left of me, reach over and grab it and place it where my tongue had been missing. Shortly after, as I lay wondering if this was for real, I sat up and realized that the mist and heaviness in the room was gone. The room had become quite clear. I then knew without a doubt that His presence had been in the room.

The next Sunday, a friend shared with me that being drunk in the Spirit was like an anesthetic for the removal of my tongue and the replacement of the fiery tongue. That next week God began to reveal some things to me. One of the first, was a song He had put on my heart about six weeks prior to that night. It was called “Set my soul afire.” The song talks about putting a burning desire in our soul to witness. I tried for some time to get it off my mind, but eventually felt like God meant it as a prayer for me. The first thing I realized from the song was that God had separated my soul and spirit and secondly that the fiery tongue was placed on my soul. As in the song, He was setting my soul afire. He was renewing a burning desire for those who are lost. Another thing that I realized was that GOD had put the song on my heart and placed it as a prayer. The song was His desire not mine AND He was answering the prayer He had put on my heart.

The next thing that God showed me that week was out of a study that I was helping Shirley Carpenter with. I mistakenly did the wrong chapter, but not according to God. It was out of her book The Rock Garden Locked, a chapter called Chrysolite - A Consuming Fire. In that chapter she mentions Matt. 3:11, where John the Baptist talks of the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit and fire. Was not God earlier this year leading me to seek baptism? She also mentions Acts 2:2-3, about the tongues as of fire. She talked about the refining fire and consuming fire. Another thing she mentioned in that chapter was that during a study she found out that the word glory literally means weight or to be heavy. Was it the glory of God in the room that made it feel heavy?
Now I can’t say that I truly understand all that nor that I clearly understand what God really wanted me to know from it. But what I do know is that, what happened that night was from God, that it was from His word, and that He meant it as another step in my training for His work. The whole idea of what fire does has opened up a new understanding of God.

Encountering the Presence of God

I was twenty-two and although I was very active in church, the pain that I had suffered with for years, tugged heavily at my heart. I was attending a crusade and as the music played I sought desperately for just a moment of relief from years of suffering. It was early in the evening and the crusade had barely started. Finally the anger at God was too much and with a frustrated attitude I bolted off the bleachers and headed for my car. As I hurried for my car, a young woman scurried to catch up with me as I saw her trying to put her shoes on. As she approached me she said, “I knew God wanted me to talk with you, but I wasn’t expecting you to leave so fast and I didn't even have my shoes on.” As she walked beside me, she began to ask how I was doing and if there was anything she could do. I had never seen this person and I couldn’t understand why she was taking the time to come after me. After talking for a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to come back to her apartment with her. I agreed and we decided to go in her car.

As we left the crusade and headed for her apartment complex, I realized we were heading to the very same apartment complex I had first lived in when I had moved back to Oklahoma. I had not been back in over a year and half. But as we got out of the car, it was more astonishing as she lead us to the very apartment that I had lived in a year and half ago! She said she was from Tulsa and was visiting some friends. As she lead me inside I felt the familiarity of the place and the amazing coincidence of what was happening. She turned on a dim light and picked out a record to play. As she was picking out the record she began to share how much she liked this music and that there was a special part with words she wanted me to hear. As we sat in the dimly lit room and listened to the music, I found a peace and a presence of the Spirit that was out of time with who I was. After sharing the music, she asked if I wanted to pray with her. With such a sweetness in the room, I found no hesitation. It was as though there could be no room for pain or anger in the room. As she began to pray, she began to sing the most beautiful song in a tongue I did not know. I had never been with anyone who had prayed in another tongue, much less who could sing in one! But it was the most beautiful music I had ever heard. To this day I still remember the beauty of the words as she sang them. It was like a song that was scripted out just for me. Then she began to pray words of encouragement with a sweetness that could only touch me with a sense of awe. After a wonderful time in prayer she took me back to the crusade to get my car, just as every one was leaving. She asked me if I wanted to come over the next day for a few hours and I agreed.

The next day was Saturday and I went over in the late morning. She was heading for the pool and asked me to come along. We sat on the edge of the pool as we dangled our feet in the water. It wasn’t what I had known about laying out at the pool, it was more like sitting beside the pool of ***. As I looked at her, I saw a beauty deeper than I had ever known. She had soft black hair against her beautiful fair skin and she moved with an ease and contentment. And the peace from last night still glowed about her. As we sat sharing the morning, I watched her share Jesus with those who came by. It was such a peaceful way of sharing or encouraging. I had never nor ever met anyone who cared so deeply and shared about Jesus so naturally. She finally told me she had to head back home. I never saw her again or her friends.

Now I don’t know much about angels, but if I was ever to think that I was to meet an angel unaware, she would have been one. And at the time, I really wondered. I am awed by what happened as I look back today as much as I was then. Perhaps more so.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Learning to wait on God in 25 Minutes

Guess you have to start somewhere. I am sure God starts with something small and doesn't expect us to put too much on the line for a big loss eh?

So I arrive at the doctors building at 9:15 for an appointment at 9:45 a.m. The building is busy with at least 30 cars moving through the large parking lot hoping to catch an opening to park. I had never thought about talking to God about a parking space before, at least seriously, but I was under pressure to get to an appointment and so I asked God about it.

1) My first thought was to ask God - "Do You even care about a parking space?" and of course I felt He assured me that He cared about all things about me.

2) Secondly, I thought about, "Do You really answer prayers about things like this?" and He reminded me 'Ask and you shall receive.'  So I figured I probably should ask. So I prayed and asked God for a parking space.

3) Then I began to wonder if I truly believed He would give me a parking space. I felt that I didn't deserve to get a parking space since there were so many others sicker than I that needed one. But in my heart God reminded me that they could ask Him for one too and He would give it to them.

4) I began to get really frustrated with all these people pushing to get a parking space and knew anger and frustration would hinder God answering my prayer, so I made sure to release any frustration at them and God again reminded me about His love and concern for everyone under pressure to get to their appointments. I then felt a compassion for all of us on this same path.

5) As I continued to drive through the parking lot looking for someone to come to their car I realized we were all ready to pounce on the next person out the door headed for their car. Realizing I needed to wait on God (the parking space was coming for Him and the four cars in front of me would pounce first anyway), I slowed down and waited for what God would do next. It would have to be by chance (or God of course) to be the one right in front of the person getting in the car. So I wait.

6) But does waiting mean it could be until the last possible minute - and could I wait or just leave and go find a parking space in the neighborhood and walk half a mile. That is my first instinct - to book it out of here and make sure I got to my appointment on time.  But I reminded God promised to answer our prayer and we must wait upon Him.

7) So what is waiting? Expecting Him to come through? I am reminded He has to get all things aligned. So I choose to trust Him and wait. I keep driving slowly - waiting for the parking space He has provided. The minutes ticking by as my chance to be on time is passing. But I keep listening to Him. Remembering His words that He will provide if we ask. It is all about expectation.

8) And then there it is - an older lady pushing an older man in a wheelchair as the other cars pass them by, slowing down to see if they are positioned right for the grab. As their opportunity is missed, I slow down to wait on the couple as they go to a car on my left.  Perfect timing, perfect position. I know in my heart that God provided. Sure I may have happenstanced upon one but this one was definitely from God. So I thanked Him for it.

9) As I check in at my appointment I hear a frustrated guy behind me complaining about the parking and how he drove 2 hours to get here and then another hour driving around looking for a parking space. And that his wife was still out there driving around..

It wasn't an easy process and I had to rely on God continuously as I fought the urge to do it my way. And through this I pray I can take more things to Him.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Remind Me Dear Lord

Words from the song:  Remind Me Dear Lord by Dottie Rambo

   The things that I love and hold dear to my heart are just borrowed,
      they're not mine at all.   Jesus only let me use them to brighten my life, 
     So remind me, remind me dear Lord.
     Roll back the curtain of memory now and then,
     Show me where You brought me from, and where I could have been;
     Remember I'm human, and humans forget;
     So remind me, remind me, dear Lord.

   Nothing good have I done to deserve God's own Son;
      I'm not worthy of the scars in His hands, Yet He chose the road to 
      Calvary to die in my stead; Why he loved me, I can't understand.
      Roll back the curtain of memory now and then,
     Show me where You brought me from, and where I could have been;
     Remember I'm human, and humans forget;
     So remind me, remind me, dear Lord.

About 20 years ago as I was going through recovery from a past wound, I would sit at the piano and play this song over and over as tears would stream down my face.  I was feeling God's love as I became aware of how much He loved me.  I felt the love that I did not deserve.; the acceptance from one who I could never repay; a gratefulness as I remembered how far out of the darkness He had brought me. It was healing for me and once when a friend heard me playing, was drawn to know the Jesus who could love me in my darkest moment.  She too found Jesus and the healing and love she had never know. 

Today I sit at the piano and find myself aware of the first verse.  Although I knew the first verse I have never felt the precious grasp that things dear to my heart could hold.  I am reminded of not only how much I love them, I am also reminded of how they really aren't mine, I only have them to brighten my life.  I can't hold onto them too tight. As I have learned to open my heart to love, I must also learn to bear the pain that love holds. For with every love that is poured out and a bond that connects, there is pain as those bonds change.  As children grow a parents love for them seeks to hold on, but growth comes in letting go. Whether that is a child, grandchild, family or friend, when  we pour in love, as some point we must let that one that we love grow so they too can love. And I wonder if that means letting go of what we had before as we reach for what is ahead..... I wonder if God had to let go of Jesus so that Jesus could pour out  His love for us.

How interesting that God keeps me in His watch.  Just as I poured over that song 20 years ago, I found it 40 years ago not understanding the true meaning of it or how much I would connect to it. Even then I hung onto the song because it drew me to the love of the One I was seeking. I didn't know that I would have to be reminded of how much He loved me or the road He would take down or how much I would need Him when I loved.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Remember This Generation!!

A voice was heard in Ramah,
Weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children;
And she refused to be comforted,
Because they were no more.
Matthew 2:18

Where is the Rachel’s who are weeping for our children? We do not weep for we are the ones who have given the order to kill our children. There is no weeping for we are the guilty ones. The children were not taken from us, we ordered them removed.

Where are the father’s weeping for our children? We are not weeping for we are the ones who stood by and let our children be killed. The protecting father took no action. We are the guilty ones.

Where is the church weeping for her children? We are not weeping, for we have watched and silently stood by while millions upon millions of babies have been taken from this generation.

As the Rachel’s have taken the lie of freedom, the lie that abortion will free them from shame, free them from responsibility, free them to live for themselves; the fathers have taken the lie that it was Rachel’s action, Rachel’s guilt of responsibility. And the church, the church has given their responsibility over to democracy. Democracy demands the freedom given to the group. Let the group, the nation decide. So where does God come in? When does God’s word become truth that stands above the nation?

A nation for the people; but what happens when the people, the fathers, the Rachels have been deceived? Wake up church, the enemy is in our midst. Your vote will not conquer him. Your programs, classes, marches; your guns will not conquer him. He abides inside the church. He has blinded you with apathy, he has bound you with guilt, he has bombarded you with programs and has stolen your time. Wake up church, the enemy has infiltrated your organization with corporate lies.

My dear Rachels, fathers; God is crying out for your children. He seeks your heart. He wants to reunite you with your little ones. They are not gone, they are in His hands. He holds the multitude of little ones, as He cries for what we have done. Don’t let this generation of lost ones go unnoticed.